Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
