2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We have started to decorate penises.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
