He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
