theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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