do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
