I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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