Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
