I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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