Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
