two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize