Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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