dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
