I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
