I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
