Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you inspire me to be a worse person
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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