Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
