are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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