theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
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I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
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I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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