Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
