I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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