wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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