Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
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Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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