That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
