Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
