I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
