She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
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I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
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I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that