OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy