Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
