you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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