the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.