I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.