You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
