i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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