Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
