so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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