life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
