i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
she peed on how many people?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So here I am, sexting at work.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
