Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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