I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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