If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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