I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
