Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
