ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
