i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
