Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He passed out mid-signature
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
