I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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