hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
