Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
