I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
