so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
