Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
