woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
