i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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