i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
