I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
