guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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