I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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