my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
