I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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