my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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