im drinking this country out of the recession.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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