My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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